Saying Goodbye...

Is NEVER easy...it may be when someone is moving, or just walks out of your life. But what i'm dealing with isn't technically a goodbye i guess you could say its a more of a "have fun in the streets of gold, see you someday!" At least its an easier way to think about it. I just gotta get this out. Since September, well technically last day of August of 08, i have had a total of now 5 deaths of people in my life, 2 of whom i wasn't close to, but i knew them so it still hurts. Its just so hard to think about. Like one of my mom's best friends, Cynthia Cockrell, then my Granny, then my dog(yes i know she's not a person) all within 2 months time. Then January 3rd i lost my BEST guy friend from Junior year. That one i will have to say has hit me the hardest. But it didn't hit me until about 2 weeks ago on the 2 month marker of his death. Its been SO hard to deal with, i mean yeah its gonna be its death, but also because the last 7 months of his life we grew apart due to being at different schools, and having a different group of friends. It makes me wonder what it would have been like if i was there. I didn't expect to lose him like this, no one did. And i wish i had those 7 months back to re-live and be there. But, i know deep down in my heart, God didn't take him away forever. And in the end its made me so much stronger of a person its insane. But its just been eating me alive these past 2 weeks. The reality of it all has finally sunk in and i can't sit in my room with it quiet or without doing anything cause i find myself thinking about him and how much i miss that kid. I have more unforgetable memories with him than pretty much anyone else. I think also until you lose that person that means so much to you, you don't realize it fully how big of a part of your life they were. I know i can't go back in time a change my presence during the last 7 months of his life, and i can't go back and call him to wish him a happy birthday on his 18th birthday that happened to be only 4 days before his wreck. I also have learned a HUGE thing from this whole event. That being, i can't let a day go by without sharing the Gospel with someone i know doesn't know Christ, or i'm unsure it they are or not. During our friendship, i was just a baby Christian so i still wasn't on the whole "share the gospel train." I didn't have the knowledge and faith i have now. I remember when him and i started to become friends he said he was "Agnositc." That should have set off an alarm in my head telling me to share what i believed with him. But it didn't. Idk why, maybe that I myself had been a Christian for not even 3 months and didn't have that mindset yet, or something else. But during our entire friendship, we always has a rough time talking about anything related to what i believed. I'm not sure why, but thats the way it was. However, October of 07 he lost a dear friend to a wreck from the Celina Band. He had told me that he had rededicated his life to Christ, and i was SO happy for him. But after that, i never brought it up. And when i got word that he didn't survive the wreck, one of the first things that came to my mind is, "Oh gosh, is he in Heaven?" I had forgotten about the time he had told me he had rededicated his life to Christ. And i can't tell you how scary that was for me. I NEVER want to have that feeling again. I was in fear for him. And some of my friends were asking the same thing. But it ate me alive because there were SO many times i had the oppertunity to share the Gospel with him, but didn't. I felt so much guilt. However, the pastor who did his funeral service had told a story of how Michael had come to him after the service of his friend, and said he wanted to rededicate his life to Christ. It brought SUCH relief. And i then had remembered he told me that. Going through all of that has definitely given me a different outlook on not being afraid to share with others. If i get to Heaven before all my friends, i want to make sure that they end up there after me, viceversa. Also, this past saturday i got word that the dad of my two best friends that i've had since 8th grade, dad had passed away earlier that week. I didn't know him well, but i had met him on several occasions. I can't even imagine what they are feeling right now. All i can do is pray God comforts them and let them know i'm here for them. Idk its just so hard having all this death around me. I've lost a lot of people this way in my life, but now that i'm older it sinks and and hits me harder. Ahh well this is super long now..and i gotta go eat...

byeeee