Short and Sweet

I'm gonna try to make this short and sweet, but may not be able to. I tend to get started talking about one thing that leads me to another, and so on. 

Well for the past week until today i was on a fast from internet and text messaging. My pastor, Khris Kennedy,  had preached on it couple Sunday's ago and i had never really understood the whole idea of it and that its not just from food. It can be from things that consume your life daily. The internet[facebook] and texting is too often what i'm doing in my free time. So i decided that it'd be good for me to fast from it. It was hard, yes. But, entirely worth it! God opened my eyes to things in time spent with Him that i'd been praying for Him to for quite some time. It was a great week and experience! As well as i was able to complete reading 21 of the 27 books of the New Testament in their entirety[i've set a goal to read the Bible front to back by the end of the year]! i don't know how i did it considering i usually hate reading, but i couldn't put it down. One night i had sat down to read my bible and later looked at the clock and 2 hours had passed without me knowing it. 

Praise God this weekend wasn't as difficult as i expected it to be. It being the three month marker of my close friend Michael's death i expected a difficult weekend after how i had dealt with all the other month markers of his death(for some reason it hits me hardest around the month markers.)  God's answered my prayers and given me strength and comfort to cope with the loss of my friend and its such a blessing. I'm finally able to see other sides to the whole situation. Yes, i'm sad and i'll never forget Michael, but it was all part of God's perfect plan, and the mission God sent Michael to earth on was over. I can't live life dwelling on the past, i can't change it. Michael is in a better place, he's dancing on the streets of gold! And someday when my Savior takes me Home i'll see him again! 

Oh and one last thing....i happen to be part of the 1% of the people who get a pneumonia shot who have a freak reaction to it that causes a red mark(now a beautiful bruise) the diameter of a softball(at least) and to swell above my shoulder and gives me a horrid cough for almost two weeks! its just wonderful!! haha my mother has never had to get my a prescription cough syrup in all of my ALMOST 18 years of living until now....and this was caused by an pneumonia shot for immune system testing that i won't get results on for three months they said! woohoo.

hopefully i'll get some sleep...been up coughing all night 

and just took the rest of my prescription cough syrup in the bottle :/

Screaming, Slamming Doors, Tears....

So i decided to do an experiment today. No, not a science experiment. haha

I was thinking about how my relationship with my father is not good at all, and i wish it was better. I pray everyday God would give me wisdom on the issue. Its so hard to love someone and not react and get mad at someone who is constantly saying things that hurt you, and doing things they know make you mad. 

So i guess it was around 4 am or so during my quite time i had this idea of this "experiment." i decided whenever my dad said something or did something that upset or angered me today, i wouldn't be quick to react. And if i reacted, my reaction would be a reaction i would be ok with having if God was standing right next to me where i could see Him. I KNEW it would be a challenge. I woke up this afternoon at 3 pm however and my dad and brother were out for the day. They came back home around 9:30 or so. As soon as he gets home he starts going off on me about something that was pointless. And as hard as it was to not say anything and allow my reaction to be one that i wouldn't be ashamed of if God was standing right next to me, i was able to do just as i had hoped! It felt SO good to not get mad and to deal with it calmly and in a reasonable manner. I had always told myself to calm down and be nice or what not. Never really worked like i planned. But the whole "is my reaction a reaction i would be ashamed of if God was standing next to me" outlook on how to deal with it totally helped! i was so happy! Every night pretty much my dad and i have a fall out and it usually ends in slamming doors and screaming and me laying on my bed in tears praying asking God to give me wisdom for dealing with it. Finally i've gotten an answer, its probably not a full answer, but at least a partial one!  I can't wait for the next time he goes off on me honestly so i can deal with it just as i did earlier, it was such a good feeling, and didn't end in tears and slamming doors :)

The Wonderful World of Peer Pressure....

Ha ok so...this post is sorta a follow up post from my first one that had Romans 12:2 and James 1:2-3 on it. 

Right now, i'm SO thankful that i keep Romans 12:2 [Do not be conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind] close to my heart. If it wasn't for that verse, my walk with God and my previous experience to 'peer pressure.' And my sense of knowing its not what i should do, sad as it is to say, i probably would have let my friends talk my into smoking a cigarette. I love my friends to death, and im not the kind of person who's gonna stop being friends with them because of their choices such as smoking. Now, in some cases, yes i'm going to stay away from people that i know i shouldn't be around because of their choices. But see the thing is, these friends i've known for like i guess 3 years now. And its not the easiest thing, or the right thing in my mind to not be their friend because they choose to smoke. Its not illegal, its just something i HATE and hate being around. Its so frustrating when you're with friends or a group of people and they are all lets say, smoking or drinking, and they know you won't go there cause its messed up your life before, yet they still pressure you into it. Thankfully i'm planted on a rock and not on sand, cause i think if i wasn't, i'd have taken that cigarette thinking i 'had' to do it to get their approval. But last night it was fairly easy to turn it down especially since i had Romans 12:2 on my heart. That verse has saved me from doing a lot of stuff i didn't want to do but was pressured into. Idk this is just a random thought.

Then this tuesday i had to go the the Allergist Immunologist since they can't figure out what on earth is wrong with me. They said the entire testing is going to take 3 months or so :/ and they needed to give me a pneumonia and tetnus [sp?] shot for some of the testing to see if my body produces the anti-bodies to fight it off. I only let them give me one on tuesday, and oh how thankful i am i only got one. I got the pneumonia shot in my arm, and i felt NOTHING! i've come to figure out i have a much higher pain tolerance than most people i know. But tuesday my arm was fine, felt no pain. Wednesday i wake up and my arm is sore and there is a red an swollen spot about the diameter of a quarter. Throughout the day it got a bit better pain wise, but the redness/swolleness got a bit worse. THEN, the next morning [thursday] i wake up and i kid you not i can't move my fingers i am in so much pain throughout my whole arm. I look at the spot they gave me my shot, and its about ehh 2 inches in diameter all the way around. It scares me to death. The diameter of the pain is about 6 inches in diameter all the way around. Then as time goes by it gets worse, so my mom calls the allergist. They want to see my immediately .. So i go in and i'm told only 1% of people who get the pneumonia shot have the reaction i did! Of course i have the luck of being part of that 1% haha. So they give me some meds to make it get better and send me on my way. Later that night i went to my friends house who i hadn't seen in months so sleepover. I didnt do anything that could have made my arm worse. But i'm putting on my pajama's and i notice my arm is hurting in more places than it did before, or at least the pain had spread. So i look at it, and i kid you not it was now the diameter of a baseball, at least. It was so weird, especially cause they told me it would get better, not worse. I woke up this morning to find it still swollen and red, and the swelling to have spread! haha i hurt yes, but its not my biggest problem. its the part that i have this crazy huge red swollen mark on my arm that is extremely strange and looks terrible haha. oh well. that really had no reason to be put in the post..just felt like putting it...i'm outta heree 

Saying Goodbye...

Is NEVER easy...it may be when someone is moving, or just walks out of your life. But what i'm dealing with isn't technically a goodbye i guess you could say its a more of a "have fun in the streets of gold, see you someday!" At least its an easier way to think about it. I just gotta get this out. Since September, well technically last day of August of 08, i have had a total of now 5 deaths of people in my life, 2 of whom i wasn't close to, but i knew them so it still hurts. Its just so hard to think about. Like one of my mom's best friends, Cynthia Cockrell, then my Granny, then my dog(yes i know she's not a person) all within 2 months time. Then January 3rd i lost my BEST guy friend from Junior year. That one i will have to say has hit me the hardest. But it didn't hit me until about 2 weeks ago on the 2 month marker of his death. Its been SO hard to deal with, i mean yeah its gonna be its death, but also because the last 7 months of his life we grew apart due to being at different schools, and having a different group of friends. It makes me wonder what it would have been like if i was there. I didn't expect to lose him like this, no one did. And i wish i had those 7 months back to re-live and be there. But, i know deep down in my heart, God didn't take him away forever. And in the end its made me so much stronger of a person its insane. But its just been eating me alive these past 2 weeks. The reality of it all has finally sunk in and i can't sit in my room with it quiet or without doing anything cause i find myself thinking about him and how much i miss that kid. I have more unforgetable memories with him than pretty much anyone else. I think also until you lose that person that means so much to you, you don't realize it fully how big of a part of your life they were. I know i can't go back in time a change my presence during the last 7 months of his life, and i can't go back and call him to wish him a happy birthday on his 18th birthday that happened to be only 4 days before his wreck. I also have learned a HUGE thing from this whole event. That being, i can't let a day go by without sharing the Gospel with someone i know doesn't know Christ, or i'm unsure it they are or not. During our friendship, i was just a baby Christian so i still wasn't on the whole "share the gospel train." I didn't have the knowledge and faith i have now. I remember when him and i started to become friends he said he was "Agnositc." That should have set off an alarm in my head telling me to share what i believed with him. But it didn't. Idk why, maybe that I myself had been a Christian for not even 3 months and didn't have that mindset yet, or something else. But during our entire friendship, we always has a rough time talking about anything related to what i believed. I'm not sure why, but thats the way it was. However, October of 07 he lost a dear friend to a wreck from the Celina Band. He had told me that he had rededicated his life to Christ, and i was SO happy for him. But after that, i never brought it up. And when i got word that he didn't survive the wreck, one of the first things that came to my mind is, "Oh gosh, is he in Heaven?" I had forgotten about the time he had told me he had rededicated his life to Christ. And i can't tell you how scary that was for me. I NEVER want to have that feeling again. I was in fear for him. And some of my friends were asking the same thing. But it ate me alive because there were SO many times i had the oppertunity to share the Gospel with him, but didn't. I felt so much guilt. However, the pastor who did his funeral service had told a story of how Michael had come to him after the service of his friend, and said he wanted to rededicate his life to Christ. It brought SUCH relief. And i then had remembered he told me that. Going through all of that has definitely given me a different outlook on not being afraid to share with others. If i get to Heaven before all my friends, i want to make sure that they end up there after me, viceversa. Also, this past saturday i got word that the dad of my two best friends that i've had since 8th grade, dad had passed away earlier that week. I didn't know him well, but i had met him on several occasions. I can't even imagine what they are feeling right now. All i can do is pray God comforts them and let them know i'm here for them. Idk its just so hard having all this death around me. I've lost a lot of people this way in my life, but now that i'm older it sinks and and hits me harder. Ahh well this is super long now..and i gotta go eat...

byeeee

I had the MOST Amazing Realization, God keeps amazing me more and more...

Well I just HAD to share this because it truly shows how AMAZING and powerful God is! He is constantly amazing me daily in different ways. But this time i was in such awe of it all, it brought me tears of Joy! It was amazing!

Well it all started at about 6 am or so Thursday morning. I hadn't been asleep, i've been having trouble sleeping these past few days b/c of the time change. But I was in bed about to have my quite time and i see an old journal of mind under my bedside table. I remembered it was what i had been writing in from April-June 08. For about 6 months I had a mentor at my old church, and she told me that sometimes she'll journal and write it as though its a prayer, and its a good way to get thoughts out. So i started doing that a bit. There weren't many entries in it but i read through the ones in it. Now at this point in my life i was a Baby Christian. I was raised in the Church but didn't accepted Christ until June 7th 2007. I ran from God for so long because i felt it was forced upon me. Now i can't see why i ran. But well I started reading it and a re-occuring sentence was asking God to draw me closer to Him. It was something i was continually asking from the day i accepted Christ. Now, beginning in January 08 i had some major events happen. First my Youth Pastor Left, then i found out my band director was resigning for my senior year, i totaled my moms car, found out my assistant band director who i looked up to, but no one else liked was leaving but i knew a month before EVERONE else and wasn't allowed to say a word, which was REALLY hard, then i  lost drum major which i thought was the end of the world and i'd worked my butt off for 3 years for[but now i see wasn't], then found out my jazz band director was leaving as well, then i went through a time where i totally drew away from God [i learned a HUGE lesson from this and never want it to happen again]. Then the fall came, my mom's dear friend, Cynthia Cockrell died, then my basically Grandma but not by blood died a month later, then my dog in a freak accident. Just one disappointing thing after another kept happening. And i'll be honest, i wasn't really back on track with God until probably early November. I had left DBC and was in search of a new church but no church i visited felt right. Then in december i decided to visit FBC Prosper, however i always told myself i'd never choose to go to a Baptist Church on my own after being raised in one, after a few visits and lots of prayer i knew it was where God wanted me. It just felt like family, i loved it and knew it was a place i could grow in my walk with God in. Then this past January 11th I was baptized! It was SUCH a special day!

 On January 3rd of this year, i got a text from friend that brought devastating news. My best guy friend from junior year, who was also a fellow horn player, and my prom date junior year, had been in a tragic car wreck the night before and didn't make it. THAT killed me. And i hadn't gotten to call and wish him a happy 18th b-day 5 days prior. On top of that i've been dealing with a lot of Health issues and since August 22nd 2008 i've been sick off and on. I had mono. But now just have a hard time getting well and staying healthy. Which has caused a lot of stress, and not having an answer as to why. But now to the point of this whole post. When i went through these events, except for Michael's Death, and my now unknown illness. I have realized during those times, i did NOT run to God for comfort, i ran to friends and others around me. And now especially since michaels death i have begun to run to God FIRST during times of heartache. This has brought me SO MUCH closer to God! My relationship with Him has deepened and grown in ways i never knew existed. It's the most AMAZING feeling in the world. After reading the journal entries i began to make a lot of connections. And i realized that from the time i really was asking God to bring me closer to Him, all these life changing events started happening. And now that i have much better understanding of the Christian Faith and know my Bible much more, i've realized God put ALL of those trials in my path to bring me closer to Him like i had been asking! He was answering my prayers in a way, and I NEVER realized it until now. And now that i realize it, it calms my heart SO much with the pain i suffered through those events. When i figured this out i was at loss of words. It brought me to tears of joy because of how God works. It was such a special moment. And also i think about what my walk with Christ was like from the time i accepted Christ and how it is now. And i can't believe how much my walk with Him has grown. Even in these last 3 months. I never expected to be at the point i'm at right now. Before  i accepted Christ, i thought that Christianity was "ask Jesus to save you from your sins,be dunked under water, follow rules, pray, go to church, read your bible." I never had been told that "its not a religion, its a relationship" Without Him, and the relationship i have with him, I could not have the positive attitude i have about the trials i am put through daily. I would keep all my pain and suffering bottled up and i'd be one depressed kid. I know this was really long and i could write more, but won't, but i just had to put this out here, it was so amazing to me! James 1:2-3 has definitely gotten me through these last couple of months, "Consider it ALL joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces ENDURANCE!" and this verse it SO true!

ahh well i'm gonna try to sleep now...i've slept maybe 10 hrs in the past  72+ hrs :/

Living In THIS Way....

WARNING: This is LONG, but TOTALLY WORTH YOUR TIME, so READ it, OR your COMPUTER SCREEN will EXPLODE :D
So lately in my daily quite times I've been finding some Bible verses that REALLY speak to me! And i want to share them and as to why they speak to my heart and are constantly running through my mind on an hourly basis. I'm sure most have heard the majority of these but you never know! Enjoyy :D

okayy so the first verse I'm gonna talk about it Romans 12:2. Now most people who've grown up in the Church, will know this verse, its quite a commonly known one. The part in red is what i'm focusing on.

Romans 12:2 says "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good, and acceptable and perfect." 

Well being a High school student, as all of us who've been there, done that, or are still there, know how much peer pressure we deal with. Whether it be to drink, smoke, sneak out, ect.. I've definitely dealt with peer pressure. And a LOT worse than i EVER expected. I've fallen to it before, yes, but not to extreme instances. But as we get put into peer pressure or what not and we fall into it and go along with whatever it may be, we are being "conformed to this world." And not only are we acting like the world does, and not acting as we are walking in the footsteps of God. But we are falling to Satans' Lies. Satans' goal is to turn YOU from the TRUTH to LIES, and turn YOU against God to him. We don't realize it when we are offered that beer, in some cases and take it. Or even Gossiping [i know thats one thing i struggle with.] But if we want to live an abundant, God centered life, We have to be "TRANSFORMED by the renewing of our minds." As tempting as it is to do those things that we know aren't right, but seem SO good at the time, we have to turn from them and "renew our minds." Spending time in God's word and putting ourselves in constant check of how we are living is a way of being "transformed by the renewing of our minds"

This verse i've known for quite a while and its always stuck out in my mind. Everyday i'm tempted by Satans' lies, we ALL are, no one's perfect. That verse has definitely helped in times i've struggled with such situations.

But its not always peer pressure i deal with things when this verse comes to mind. A lot of the times its, either music i'm listening to, or when i'm hanging out with a certain group of people, how i act unlike the person i REALLY am to gain acceptance. I've gotten a LOT better with NOT doing that, but its hard, especially cause NO ONE wants to be rejected, i've dealt with it BIG TIME all through High School, which is when it hurts the most to not be accepted for who you are.  Which brings me to my next verse...

James 1:2-3 "Consider it ALL joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance."

Ok well this verse is one of my FAV's of all time.

First off, most people that aren't close to me don't know this but, I was raised in a  Southern Baptist Church, went to Church EVERY Sunday and what not. My dad was a Music Minister and my mom was the Children's Director at a Church we were at for quite a while too. However, i RAN from God, i didn't want anything to do with Church, or anything like that. I wasn't a bad kid, i just had it shoved down my throat, i felt and didn't want anything to do with it. It wasn't until June 7th, 2007 [summer before junior year] that I accepted Christ as 

my Savior. Big shock to most people when they find out because i'm so "uber-Christian" as Brennan McSweeney calls me. Now how that little bit applies to what i'm going to say about this verse...

Well i'll just be blunt, I was the girl pretty much everyone hated in high school, made fun of daily, had insane rumors such as i was pregnant cause i had gained weight from medication i was on[i'm saving my v-card till marriage, and everyone knew that] and was in tears crying almost every day of my 9th&10th grade year. As pathetic as i sound saying that, its 100% true and i'm NOT afraid to admit it.  I dreaded going to school and dealing with all the people who gave me trouble. I was miserable. And now that i look back on my 9th and 10th grade years, i think to myself, if i knew Christ at those hard times in my life, and was on a growing path walking with Him, i could have gotten through it a LOT easier than i did and trusted Him that everything was gonna be ok. And i could have clung to this verse knowing that these "trials" would produce "endurance" and make me a MUCH stronger person and i'd grow in my faith by not seeing it as "my life is horrible" but seeing it as "Everything is gonna be ok" or seeing the brighter side or "joy" of it ALL. And now that i am a believer, and walking on a STRONG and GROWING path with my Lord and Savior, and I keep this verse in my mind and heart, I can deal with the tough times a LOT easier. Such as Since August 22nd i've been sick, and haven't really gotten better. I've gotten better for a VERY short time, but the next thing i know, i'm sick again. finally back in I'd say early december late november, they found out i'd had mono. But it was out of my system by the time they found out and i was STILL sick. I've been extremely weak. I sleep all day and all night, and have no energy ever Sometimes can't even pull my self up to sit up in bed. Somedays i can go do stuff, but i can't stay out long without feeling worse than i did the day before. About 3 weeks ago i guess, i was having severe side and lower chest pain and went to the ER. Come to find out my liver was inflamed and pushing up against my rib cage causing the severe pain. They said it would go down in less than a week or so and it was a Post-Mono symptom, and to have a follow up in 4 days with my Primary Care Dr. So that monday i went to a new dr. who has more training than the Dr. i had been seeing. And she finally gave us a possible reason as to WHY i'm alway sick! So many prayers were answered during this Dr. visit, i was SO thankful! She said it could be CVID, Common Variable Immunodeficiency. Which is basically from what i know where your body doesn't produce a certain thing for your immune system to fight off disease/infection, ect.. Its a Chronic Illness, meaning its life long and i'll be on meds and shots until I meet my Saviour in Heaven

! And i've been sick pretty much my whole life, but never to this extent, so it explained a LOT.A week ago they took blood to test for this among several other things, including Arthritis and said my bloodwork results would be in by Monday. Well monday rolls around, no phone call, tuesday, nothing, wednesday, my mom gets a call saying they had to send my blood to California because the testing they were doing is so rarely done, that closest lab to do this was in Cali. So i was extremely upset because i can't start getting better until they find out what i have and put me on meds. Its been a week and a day since i got my blood taken, still no answer! And i had to get a CT scan Yesterday[friday] on my liver, gallbladder, and intestines because my liver is still inflammed. Well this on top of losing a friend to a tragic car wreck who i was REALLY close to all of Junior year, but sorta grew apart from this past year b/c of the distance of our homes, and schools and what not was extremely hard to cope with. RIP Michael Nall [12/30/90-1/3/09] Its been a really stressful time. And i've struggled with staying positive and finding "joy" in the "trials" rather than the "bad." Once i stumbled across this verse during a quite time, and really praying on it and keeping it in my mind and on my heart, trying to live it out. I've felt so much happier, and have really grown in my walk with Christ. I've been able to see the 'joy' in these negative times, and keep a positive attitude because i know that not letting it get to me, and seeing the positive, i will gain endurance, which i most definitely have. Its so amazing  to me what the power of a verse and the power of a prayer can do to one person, and at the same time millions of people. It just goes to prove how AMAZING and POWERFUL our God is! Basically this verse is one we ALL should keep in mind. I'm constantly on Facebook or Myspace, and i see people post things like "this is the worst day of my life" and what not. And i know that i used to do that ALL the time, and it just made me even more upset and depressed. But by keeping this verse in mind, and seeing the positive things in the 'trials' put in front of me, i've really been a much happier person. I never realized how much a difference it would make until i really started living it out. 

Well, its like 4 am :/ and i'm super tired! I wanted to add some more verses tonight, but i've already written enough to make my fingers fall off. hah. And I

 want to pray on and think out some of the verses i want to share that apply within my life first before i throw them out here on the

 table or should i say internet. But i will hopefully put up another post tomorrow or something! Church is tomorrow! woo hoo!! Can't wait for Pastor Khris' Sermon!  And seeing all my church friends! Kk well i'm outta here. oh and any prayer requestss? HIT ME UP, the  

power of a prayer is insanely amazingg&& i love prayingg for y'all :D